Totally changing gears from the my online dating shenanigans to ramble about the process of letting go. Something I am working on in many areas of my life.
My divorce will be final in a few short weeks. I thought this would get easier as the completion date approached. That's the funny thing about ending a relationship...is there really a point of completion? Not so much. Just when I was feeling confident and on track emotionally, I had what I term a dream, but others term a vision.
Something to know about good 'ol me. I am NOT what I would describe as new agey. In fact, I inwardly cringe when I see dream catchers and have in the past become physically uncomfortable when people tossed out phrases about "the journey". Oh, the times they are a'changing, friends. Over the course of the last 8 months and through much intensive therapy with an absolutely top drawer Therapist I have discovered a million little and big things about myself and life including...the fucking journey. I never thought it would happen to me, but alas, this old dog is learning new tricks.
So, the dream. Pushing my way through a crowded city sidewalk I look up and there's my husband. He takes me by the shoulders and looks at me. Everything stops...silence. His look imparts complete love, total acceptance, no judgment, no fear, no recriminations, just simple, pure, unconditional love. The feeling was unlike anything I've ever felt...truly no words can describe it. I started laughing and crying and he did as well. We were jumping around, hugging, so joyful. This sound, a chant, began softly and grew to a booming repeat of "Surrender...surrender...surrender". I woke up laughing, crying, strangling my pillow in a death grip hug. As the feeling faded I felt this desperation to hang onto it. I laid there a long while thinking about it. Surrender. Hmm. Surrender the ego that holds us back from giving and accepting love, that fears rejection, that creates insecurities and pushes others away. Made sense. But, oh boy, I could not stop focusing on him. On wanting that with HIM. On how different we could be together if we surrendered our egos. For days, I literally felt insane with wanting and needing to make him understand and to share that dream in reality.
Wow, right? I know. After the days of insanity, hours of journaling and fighting panic that splitting from my husband was a monumental mistake, I came to a realization. If we are unable to surrender the ego and genuinely love and accept ourselves, there is no possibility of sharing this with someone else. Erm...eh...so...there's that. I am not there yet, but I'm working on it. I'm glad I got it...the message. I needed it. We all need it. Now, the work of putting this into practice in my life. I want that feeling from the dream. In fact, I'm not willing to settle for anything less than that. Life intervenes with it's ups and downs, so I realize it won't be skipping through fields of wildflowers 24/7, but at the center of my life, I want and deserve that feeling. You do too.
It isn't making the letting go any easier. In fact, it's harder now that I see a completely different set of possibilities. But, I am making my life about me for now and trying to love my husband in a new way, as a friend.
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