Something you should know, I haven't dated in 13 years. Alas, the union of marriage once again took a trip to shitzville and I find myself entering the fray. Oddly, I met my former partner in crime online. I figured, 13 years is nothing to scoff at, right? So, I'll give the ol' interwebs another go.
I spent an inordinate amount of time creating an honest profile. Describing who I am, not who I want to be, but who I actually am in this moment. I'm not cool, not eclectic (I fucking HATE that word and anyone who describes themselves as such is a huge douche!), not fabulously fit, not outdoorsy, not athletic. Oh, and I'm not a "young" 40. I'm just the regular kind. I am kind, smart, funny, creative, energetic, a fanfuckingtastic cook, excellent at karaoke, yadda, yadda, yadda, and if truth be told...I'm a rocket in the sack. Though, I kept that little nugget to myself. I posted my two most recent photos which are just so so. But, I believe in truth in advertising. Hear this, I am in the minority on that one. Don't they realize when we meet and I'm like "Oh, I thought you had, um, hair and um, teeth." that they probably shouldn't have posted a photo from 10 years ago.
I started receiving messages pretty quickly which was flattering. But, then I read them. MEN ARE DELUSIONAL!!! First, they either have no concept of who they are in the world or are just plain liars. They seem to either have very little reading comprehension skills or they just don't give a fuck and will try to get laid at any cost. The first fella called himself "LittleManBigTruck". So, that right there tells me literally every single thing I need to know. His message says "Hey sexy lady. We answered all of the sex questions the same. I think I could show you a really good time." I pulled up his profile already cringing in anticipation. Whaa thaa faa?!?!?!?! He's pushing 60 if he's a day, has several photos sans shirt and let me tell you...this is a dude that requires a shirt at all times. His moobs are bigger than mine and mine are HUGE! His description of himself included every single thing I specifically do not want, most of which I stated in my profile...hunting, guns, camping, domestic canned beer (nope, not even the PBR those irritating hipsters drink. Hello, I drank that in college because it was cheap. It wasn't cool then and it isn't now. On a related topic, bow ties aren't cool either, hipsters. They. Are. Not. Cool.), contemporary country, children, Christianity and Disneyland. So, basically he is my walking Hiroshima. Delete.
But, LMBT is tenacious. Another message, "Hey sexy lady, I was really hoping to hear from you. I know we could be great together. I want to touch those curves. Please write back." Gah. Delete.
And, LMBT strikes once more "Hey, why aren't you responding. Did you look at my sex answers. They are exactly the same as yours. You need to write me back." While, I'm certainly charmed by LMBT's...oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Nothing charming about this short, stout, old, redneck Lothario. I did take a second look at the answers I entered to the sex questions thinking to myself...hmm, did I say something lascivious or quote lines from Deliverance? Nope. I think the most exciting question I answered was "While in the throes of passion your partner asks you to make dolphin noises, would you do it?" Well, I would. But, I qualified my answer with the following explanation. "I'm not terribly familiar with the noises made by dolphins, but I would give it a go to enhance my partners experience. However, I would explain to my partner that watching him clean the bathroom and do the laundry would enhance my experience. If he's down with that, I'll make any noise he wants." That's how it's done, ladies!
What to do, what to do? Write him back to say I'm not interested, tell him he's rifuckingdiculous, tell him I'm actually a man. I decided to be courteous and simply said:
"Dear LMBT, I did read your profile. Did you read mine? If you did, in fact, read my profile you will see that I am not interested in any of the following:
1. Men over 45 years of age
2. Guns
3. Hunting, camping, sportsman-like pursuits
4. Children
5. Religion
6. Being propositioned online for sex
Thank you for understanding that I prefer to end our communication here and am not interested in you 'touching my curves'. Best of luck to you.
One last response from LMBT. Can you guess? "Bitch. Your ugly anyway!" Yes, I preserved his use of your instead of you're just for you. Ah, fellas. You really know how to charm a lady.
Just a little sampling of my re-introduction to the wonderful world of online dating. I will surely be bringing more tidbits your way soon.
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