So, we've probably all read articles or seen whimsical little quotes about putting ourselves first and loving ourselves. I never really got it...until the other night when I was talking with my BGBF (Best gay boyfriend) about decorating for the holidays. Since the divorce will literally become final on Xmas, I have been bah-humbuging the entire holiday. No xmas cheer, no ho ho ho'ing, no carols drifting from the iPod and no decorating. Then, I saw this terribly tacky hot pink tinsel tree and ding, ding, ding went my trolley. I will decorate...MY WAY! At no time over the past 13 years was anything pink allowed in my house. Well, not anymore! So, I say to my BGBF "Oh, that tree will be mine. In fact, I'm getting the purple one for the living room and the pink one for my bedroom. Why in my bedroom, you ask? Because I know how to show a girl a good time!" I laughed, but then started thinking...hey, I do know how to show a girl a good time and that girl is ME. I'm going to date myself. I mean, I open doors, pull out chairs, notice when I get a haircut, never sigh loudly when I suggest a museum or gallery, always make yummy noises when I make a great meal. Why not date myself. Seems like we'll get along just fine.
Turns out, this is harder than I thought. Why would I expect a man to compliment me, find me beautiful, want to surprise me with thoughtful actions if I don't do it for myself??? DUH! Like a cosmic duh has hit me square in the face. If I'm going to date myself, I have got to make myself dateable.
1. Make a daily effort, Girl! Translation: shave your damn legs, wear something other than yoga pants (understand that I work from home, so I can just roll out of bed, work all day, roll back into bed without ever changing my clothes. Gross, but functional!), put on some makeup and do you hair instead of shoving a hat on and calling it good. Paint your toenails more than twice a year. Wear your "date dress" on a Tuesday just because it makes you feel good.
2. Hit the town! Get out there and do things you enjoy on your own. Don't wait around for friends to be available. If you are actually dating yourself, then wine and dine yourself, go to the museum, a movie, to see a show, whatever you would want to do with a date. I actually used to do this a lot, so should be pretty simple to get back into the swing of things.
3. Get your arse in shape! If you expect romance, even from yourself, try being more fit. If I was dating a man I'd want him to put some effort into keeping his body in shape, right?!?! So, why have I been sitting on the couch for six months eating sour patch kids and getting chubby? Divorce is no excuse. Burn some calories for yourself, not for anyone else. It's good for body, mind and soul!
4. Be nice! Accept and love yourself. Give yourself compliments everytime you pass a reflective surface "Hey there, Gorgeous!" If I was dating a guy and he said even a modicum of the crap I pile on myself I wouldn't just break up with him, I'd probably beat him silly. Treat yourself gently with love and understanding. Forgive yourself and freely give pep talks.
5. Pamper yourself! Take a hot bath with candles and the expensive bubbles normally saved for special occasions. Make the delightful lemon and rosemary roast chicken that is your go to date meal and really enjoy it. Who are you saving that bottle of pinot for??? For ME! Drink it, Girl!
I've just started putting these into practice and so far, so good. What a great way to really get to know myself and treat myself well. I think one of the biggest and most "lightbulb" realizations for me is regarding fitness. Honestly, I've never, ever done it for myself. I thought I was, but at the end of the day it was really just to be accepted by others, to be attractive to a guy and so on. So, this time around it's a big shift in thinking. I'm not pushing myself to do the workouts so I can fit into skinny jeans to attract guys. I'm pushing myself so I can feel good in my body whether it's pajama Saturday or a night out. I want to find myself attractive and bully to the rest of them. It's kind of exciting and liberating. When these realizations hit I almost always think "Does everyone else know this already and I'm just getting it now?" I seriously hope I'm the last one to get this because it would be great if every single person was really loving themselves.
I'm off for a date...Hmm, I wonder if I'll get lucky. :-)
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Surrender and letting go
Totally changing gears from the my online dating shenanigans to ramble about the process of letting go. Something I am working on in many areas of my life.
My divorce will be final in a few short weeks. I thought this would get easier as the completion date approached. That's the funny thing about ending a relationship...is there really a point of completion? Not so much. Just when I was feeling confident and on track emotionally, I had what I term a dream, but others term a vision.
Something to know about good 'ol me. I am NOT what I would describe as new agey. In fact, I inwardly cringe when I see dream catchers and have in the past become physically uncomfortable when people tossed out phrases about "the journey". Oh, the times they are a'changing, friends. Over the course of the last 8 months and through much intensive therapy with an absolutely top drawer Therapist I have discovered a million little and big things about myself and life including...the fucking journey. I never thought it would happen to me, but alas, this old dog is learning new tricks.
So, the dream. Pushing my way through a crowded city sidewalk I look up and there's my husband. He takes me by the shoulders and looks at me. Everything stops...silence. His look imparts complete love, total acceptance, no judgment, no fear, no recriminations, just simple, pure, unconditional love. The feeling was unlike anything I've ever felt...truly no words can describe it. I started laughing and crying and he did as well. We were jumping around, hugging, so joyful. This sound, a chant, began softly and grew to a booming repeat of "Surrender...surrender...surrender". I woke up laughing, crying, strangling my pillow in a death grip hug. As the feeling faded I felt this desperation to hang onto it. I laid there a long while thinking about it. Surrender. Hmm. Surrender the ego that holds us back from giving and accepting love, that fears rejection, that creates insecurities and pushes others away. Made sense. But, oh boy, I could not stop focusing on him. On wanting that with HIM. On how different we could be together if we surrendered our egos. For days, I literally felt insane with wanting and needing to make him understand and to share that dream in reality.
Wow, right? I know. After the days of insanity, hours of journaling and fighting panic that splitting from my husband was a monumental mistake, I came to a realization. If we are unable to surrender the ego and genuinely love and accept ourselves, there is no possibility of sharing this with someone else. Erm...eh...so...there's that. I am not there yet, but I'm working on it. I'm glad I got it...the message. I needed it. We all need it. Now, the work of putting this into practice in my life. I want that feeling from the dream. In fact, I'm not willing to settle for anything less than that. Life intervenes with it's ups and downs, so I realize it won't be skipping through fields of wildflowers 24/7, but at the center of my life, I want and deserve that feeling. You do too.
It isn't making the letting go any easier. In fact, it's harder now that I see a completely different set of possibilities. But, I am making my life about me for now and trying to love my husband in a new way, as a friend.
My divorce will be final in a few short weeks. I thought this would get easier as the completion date approached. That's the funny thing about ending a relationship...is there really a point of completion? Not so much. Just when I was feeling confident and on track emotionally, I had what I term a dream, but others term a vision.
Something to know about good 'ol me. I am NOT what I would describe as new agey. In fact, I inwardly cringe when I see dream catchers and have in the past become physically uncomfortable when people tossed out phrases about "the journey". Oh, the times they are a'changing, friends. Over the course of the last 8 months and through much intensive therapy with an absolutely top drawer Therapist I have discovered a million little and big things about myself and life including...the fucking journey. I never thought it would happen to me, but alas, this old dog is learning new tricks.
So, the dream. Pushing my way through a crowded city sidewalk I look up and there's my husband. He takes me by the shoulders and looks at me. Everything stops...silence. His look imparts complete love, total acceptance, no judgment, no fear, no recriminations, just simple, pure, unconditional love. The feeling was unlike anything I've ever felt...truly no words can describe it. I started laughing and crying and he did as well. We were jumping around, hugging, so joyful. This sound, a chant, began softly and grew to a booming repeat of "Surrender...surrender...surrender". I woke up laughing, crying, strangling my pillow in a death grip hug. As the feeling faded I felt this desperation to hang onto it. I laid there a long while thinking about it. Surrender. Hmm. Surrender the ego that holds us back from giving and accepting love, that fears rejection, that creates insecurities and pushes others away. Made sense. But, oh boy, I could not stop focusing on him. On wanting that with HIM. On how different we could be together if we surrendered our egos. For days, I literally felt insane with wanting and needing to make him understand and to share that dream in reality.
Wow, right? I know. After the days of insanity, hours of journaling and fighting panic that splitting from my husband was a monumental mistake, I came to a realization. If we are unable to surrender the ego and genuinely love and accept ourselves, there is no possibility of sharing this with someone else. Erm...eh...so...there's that. I am not there yet, but I'm working on it. I'm glad I got it...the message. I needed it. We all need it. Now, the work of putting this into practice in my life. I want that feeling from the dream. In fact, I'm not willing to settle for anything less than that. Life intervenes with it's ups and downs, so I realize it won't be skipping through fields of wildflowers 24/7, but at the center of my life, I want and deserve that feeling. You do too.
It isn't making the letting go any easier. In fact, it's harder now that I see a completely different set of possibilities. But, I am making my life about me for now and trying to love my husband in a new way, as a friend.
One down and countless others to conquer
I did it. I had my first date in 13 years. Yay me. It was fine. Yep, that's really the only description which is essentially the same as saying it was vanilla, it was bland, it was a bit snoozy. But, it's over and I survived unscathed.
I'm finding I tend to be most interested in fellas who have a way with a witty turn of phrase when writing. This one definitely had it.
I'm also finding that I tend to lean toward fellas that do not fit my typical "type" in the looks department. That type being short, skinny and white. I haven't decided if this is because I'm not actually ready to start dating (true), so I am reducing the likelihood for attraction or if I'm actively trying to expand my "type" (probably untrue). A clarification about the white part. I live in Portland, a city as diverse as a bag of wonder bread. So, while I have dated people of different backgrounds and ethnicities, the majority of my dating history has been of the caucasian variety. Not at all opposed, there's simply a limited amount of variety in my area.
So, we meet up at a comfy little pub in his neighborhood. Safe because I have to drive, so I know I won't overindulge on the adult bevvies and there's no chance he can stalk me home. I belly up to the bar in a pre-approved first date outfit courtesy of my very best gay boyfriend and order a bourbon. In he walks, much more handsome than his photos (Score!) and with a really great voice (Yay). For our purposes I'll call him Teddy. Why? He's sort of soft, brown and fuzzy. Not surprisingly, he's a good 3 inches shorter than he stated in his profile. Why do they do this? I have eyes...I will figure out that you aren't 6 feet tall when I see you. Duh! We sit, the chatting begins. He seems very interested. He's a little funny and extremely talkative. Like a bit of a competitive talker. Keeps interrupting, touching my arm to stop me so he can interject things that are honestly not very interesting and don't add much to the conversation. So, I'm thinking maybe he's just nervous. Then he launches into many, many stories of ex-girlfriends. Awkward part one.
About an hour in I start to notice that his eyes aren't really tracking and he's slightly slurring his words. Conclusion, Teddy is either suffering a mild stroke or he's not a whiskey drinker and probably should have stuck to beer. Oh, poor Teddy. Either way, he is not winning here. Awkward part two.
And, then...wait for it...he leans in and says "I am a very sensual lover" (say those words in your head with a light slur and imagine glassy eyes ogling you...it makes it even more creepy). He expanded with some details to back up his statement. AWKWARD all over the place. I was gripping my hands under the table to quell the laughter. I mean, learn how to read your audience, dude. I was so not feeling it and was nicely straightforward about it. He just wasn't hearing me at all.
While I'm leaning as far in the other direction as I can, this really cute guy that is totally within my "type" sort of accidentally sits on my lap to get closer to the Irish band playing in the corner. We begin exchanging banter and I'm thinking "Wish you were my date" and then he asks me to come to the pub the following Monday to hear the band again. I didn't go, but it was really nice to be asked.
Teddy, the sensual lover, and I ended the date and I said the following "Teddy, you seem like a really nice guy and this has been fun. I think you are in a very different place in your life and looking for someone that wants the same things you want. That's just not me. So, thanks for meeting up with me and I wish you good luck." He seemed disappointed and spent about 5 minutes trying to convince me he was totally fine with just hanging out and not getting serious (i.e., having sex with no strings). This fella had "desperate for a wife and 2.5 kids" written all over him. Which is baffling for two reasons. The first line in my profile says I don't have kids and don't want to make any. The reason it's the first line is to ensure they read it. The second bafflement...this fella does not have a job. I mean, he picks up odd jobs here and there to get by, but he literally hasn't had a steady job in like 6 years...and he's 37 for crying out loud.
I'm happy the first first date is over and done. Whew! It really was a lot easier than I expected. Onto the second date...tomorrow night. Again, I'm going against type. More to come...
I'm finding I tend to be most interested in fellas who have a way with a witty turn of phrase when writing. This one definitely had it.
I'm also finding that I tend to lean toward fellas that do not fit my typical "type" in the looks department. That type being short, skinny and white. I haven't decided if this is because I'm not actually ready to start dating (true), so I am reducing the likelihood for attraction or if I'm actively trying to expand my "type" (probably untrue). A clarification about the white part. I live in Portland, a city as diverse as a bag of wonder bread. So, while I have dated people of different backgrounds and ethnicities, the majority of my dating history has been of the caucasian variety. Not at all opposed, there's simply a limited amount of variety in my area.
So, we meet up at a comfy little pub in his neighborhood. Safe because I have to drive, so I know I won't overindulge on the adult bevvies and there's no chance he can stalk me home. I belly up to the bar in a pre-approved first date outfit courtesy of my very best gay boyfriend and order a bourbon. In he walks, much more handsome than his photos (Score!) and with a really great voice (Yay). For our purposes I'll call him Teddy. Why? He's sort of soft, brown and fuzzy. Not surprisingly, he's a good 3 inches shorter than he stated in his profile. Why do they do this? I have eyes...I will figure out that you aren't 6 feet tall when I see you. Duh! We sit, the chatting begins. He seems very interested. He's a little funny and extremely talkative. Like a bit of a competitive talker. Keeps interrupting, touching my arm to stop me so he can interject things that are honestly not very interesting and don't add much to the conversation. So, I'm thinking maybe he's just nervous. Then he launches into many, many stories of ex-girlfriends. Awkward part one.
About an hour in I start to notice that his eyes aren't really tracking and he's slightly slurring his words. Conclusion, Teddy is either suffering a mild stroke or he's not a whiskey drinker and probably should have stuck to beer. Oh, poor Teddy. Either way, he is not winning here. Awkward part two.
And, then...wait for it...he leans in and says "I am a very sensual lover" (say those words in your head with a light slur and imagine glassy eyes ogling you...it makes it even more creepy). He expanded with some details to back up his statement. AWKWARD all over the place. I was gripping my hands under the table to quell the laughter. I mean, learn how to read your audience, dude. I was so not feeling it and was nicely straightforward about it. He just wasn't hearing me at all.
While I'm leaning as far in the other direction as I can, this really cute guy that is totally within my "type" sort of accidentally sits on my lap to get closer to the Irish band playing in the corner. We begin exchanging banter and I'm thinking "Wish you were my date" and then he asks me to come to the pub the following Monday to hear the band again. I didn't go, but it was really nice to be asked.
Teddy, the sensual lover, and I ended the date and I said the following "Teddy, you seem like a really nice guy and this has been fun. I think you are in a very different place in your life and looking for someone that wants the same things you want. That's just not me. So, thanks for meeting up with me and I wish you good luck." He seemed disappointed and spent about 5 minutes trying to convince me he was totally fine with just hanging out and not getting serious (i.e., having sex with no strings). This fella had "desperate for a wife and 2.5 kids" written all over him. Which is baffling for two reasons. The first line in my profile says I don't have kids and don't want to make any. The reason it's the first line is to ensure they read it. The second bafflement...this fella does not have a job. I mean, he picks up odd jobs here and there to get by, but he literally hasn't had a steady job in like 6 years...and he's 37 for crying out loud.
I'm happy the first first date is over and done. Whew! It really was a lot easier than I expected. Onto the second date...tomorrow night. Again, I'm going against type. More to come...
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Reasons to date a 40 year old woman!
I read an article that disturbed me, though when I think about it I'm not surprised by the findings. It was called "Online dating and the older woman". I immediately thought "Oh, wow I imagine it's tough for women in their 60's and 70's to date online." Erm...no, the article was talking about me. Talking about women between the ages of 35 and 40. I had no idea I was an older woman. I definitely had no idea I was an older woman 5 years ago. But, that's beside the point.
The article was written to inform fellas that they should consider upping their age range when looking for love. It contained many graphs and charts, which I ADORE, so I found it pretty interesting. Men, by and large, are most interested in younger women. Shocking, I know. My two theories on this, they believe younger women are less complicated, less demanding and will make them feel needed in a way someone older may not. Second, they have a primal unconscious need to procreate. While they may not be actively seeking procreation, I think there's some ancient urge to spread their seed. Some virility nonsense. Those are my theories. And, of course, younger boobies are prettier in most cases. That's no theory, just the plain truth.
Women in their late thirties to mid-forties are more inclined to feel comfortable with their bodies, have a higher sex drive and higher sense of confidence than younger women, according to the article. Our lives are less complicated, we earn higher salaries and are more independent. The article was making the point that what men say they are looking for will actually be found in my age group more consistently. Of course, what people "say" they are looking for may very likely be false.
Oddly, men in their early to mid-twenties list the widest age ranges in searches. As they get older they narrow it still including 18 year olds, but excluding women above 35. Older men have very little interest in dating someone more than a few years older than themselves. Women in my age group typically aren't interested in men in their 20's or men in their 50's...which leaves us with few options.
Harumph! I'm thinking online dating is very likely an exercise in futility. Alas, I will sally forth without expectations and simply enjoy the journey.
The article was written to inform fellas that they should consider upping their age range when looking for love. It contained many graphs and charts, which I ADORE, so I found it pretty interesting. Men, by and large, are most interested in younger women. Shocking, I know. My two theories on this, they believe younger women are less complicated, less demanding and will make them feel needed in a way someone older may not. Second, they have a primal unconscious need to procreate. While they may not be actively seeking procreation, I think there's some ancient urge to spread their seed. Some virility nonsense. Those are my theories. And, of course, younger boobies are prettier in most cases. That's no theory, just the plain truth.
Women in their late thirties to mid-forties are more inclined to feel comfortable with their bodies, have a higher sex drive and higher sense of confidence than younger women, according to the article. Our lives are less complicated, we earn higher salaries and are more independent. The article was making the point that what men say they are looking for will actually be found in my age group more consistently. Of course, what people "say" they are looking for may very likely be false.
Oddly, men in their early to mid-twenties list the widest age ranges in searches. As they get older they narrow it still including 18 year olds, but excluding women above 35. Older men have very little interest in dating someone more than a few years older than themselves. Women in my age group typically aren't interested in men in their 20's or men in their 50's...which leaves us with few options.
Harumph! I'm thinking online dating is very likely an exercise in futility. Alas, I will sally forth without expectations and simply enjoy the journey.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Please tell me you did not just say what I think you said...
Gah! I'm bouncing along a little excited about a fella I met online. Trying not to be overly excited, just keeping it to a dull meow. The deets. Seemingly honest profile, good selection of photos that definitely don't appear that he's trying too hard (i.e., no parachuting, cresting high peaks, cats or bathroom photos). You do know about bathroom photos, right? They are highly annoying photos people take of themselves in the bathroom mirror that often involve no shirt and clearly point out that they are not social enough to be in photos taken by others. Super annoying and a big turn off. He's decent looking in a kind of cute, sheepish way, age appropriate, has interesting things in his profile about wine, running, travel, same musical interests, etc. He seems modest and funny. So, he messages me. Yay! The messages are kinda one liners, not very informational and I am not really getting a sense that he's actually interested. Which makes me wonder why are you messaging me if you aren't interested. I consult a trusted male source to review said messages, profile, photos. He says "Guys don't send messages if they aren't interested. Dude just has no game. He's into you, but doesn't want to make the first move. You need to either ask him out or start working it to get him to ask you." Great. What a relief. I feel like kind of a dating moron since I haven't done it in forever and I think I've lost the ability to play the game. I'm a dating bench warmer. So, I launch a plan.
I start asking questions about the interests he listed in his profile. "You ran with the bulls? Exciting!" Actually, I think it sounds totally cra-cra, but to each his own. "You raise chickens? Interesting?" I was raised on a farm and I can tell you there's actually nothing interesting about chickens, but this is me trying to work it. His responses are more prompt and frequent. Yay, my plan is working. He tells me I appear to be cute and I should post more photos to confirm his suspicions. He uses the smiley winky faces and whatnot, but what I'm getting from this is "I'm not convinced you aren't Nancy the dog-faced girl". I'm totally not Nancy the dog-faced girl. I swear! But, who knows what these guys want. I have standards as well, so I get that he's looking for someone he finds attractive. At the same time, give me a break. I have two photos posted that are good representations. Just meet me and if you run away screaming I'll know I'm not your cup of tea.
Then, he goes and does it. I mention I'm excited for my election party and he says "Election party? For Mitt, right?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Why, why would he do me like that? He seemed so good and clean and smart and like-minded. I can handle a lot of things, but a Romney/Ryan supporter? I actually don't care which party people associate themselves with, but in this election a vote for Romney is a vote against women. And, since I'm a woman...me no likey! I don't like turning this into a deal breaker, but I am pretty liberal and mouthy. So, it's not like I just sit quietly in the corner with my opinions and nod and smile when someone supports an infringement of my rights. I'm more like "I will pepper spray your ass and don't ever speak to me again, mf'er!" I'm the type that happily imagines spray painting a dick and balls on Romney/Ryan signs in people's yards. Yeah, completely sophomoric, rude, nasty and illegal. But, it's just a knee jerk reaction. I don't do it. I just think about it sometimes and smile. I'm all for freedom of speech, I just don't particularly want you to say it to me. Say it over there where I can't hear you. Waaaayyyy over there. I live in a blue state for a reason! I enjoy learning new things, having new experiences, meeting people from different walks of life, but I don't think I can handle a conservative as a partner.
I did receive a super sweet message from a fella that is passionate about SCA re-enactments which come to find out is where people dress up in renaissance garb and battle otherfreaks people for the glory of their kingdoms and to win the hands of fair maidens. Ummm. No words. I have no words...
I start asking questions about the interests he listed in his profile. "You ran with the bulls? Exciting!" Actually, I think it sounds totally cra-cra, but to each his own. "You raise chickens? Interesting?" I was raised on a farm and I can tell you there's actually nothing interesting about chickens, but this is me trying to work it. His responses are more prompt and frequent. Yay, my plan is working. He tells me I appear to be cute and I should post more photos to confirm his suspicions. He uses the smiley winky faces and whatnot, but what I'm getting from this is "I'm not convinced you aren't Nancy the dog-faced girl". I'm totally not Nancy the dog-faced girl. I swear! But, who knows what these guys want. I have standards as well, so I get that he's looking for someone he finds attractive. At the same time, give me a break. I have two photos posted that are good representations. Just meet me and if you run away screaming I'll know I'm not your cup of tea.
Then, he goes and does it. I mention I'm excited for my election party and he says "Election party? For Mitt, right?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Why, why would he do me like that? He seemed so good and clean and smart and like-minded. I can handle a lot of things, but a Romney/Ryan supporter? I actually don't care which party people associate themselves with, but in this election a vote for Romney is a vote against women. And, since I'm a woman...me no likey! I don't like turning this into a deal breaker, but I am pretty liberal and mouthy. So, it's not like I just sit quietly in the corner with my opinions and nod and smile when someone supports an infringement of my rights. I'm more like "I will pepper spray your ass and don't ever speak to me again, mf'er!" I'm the type that happily imagines spray painting a dick and balls on Romney/Ryan signs in people's yards. Yeah, completely sophomoric, rude, nasty and illegal. But, it's just a knee jerk reaction. I don't do it. I just think about it sometimes and smile. I'm all for freedom of speech, I just don't particularly want you to say it to me. Say it over there where I can't hear you. Waaaayyyy over there. I live in a blue state for a reason! I enjoy learning new things, having new experiences, meeting people from different walks of life, but I don't think I can handle a conservative as a partner.
I did receive a super sweet message from a fella that is passionate about SCA re-enactments which come to find out is where people dress up in renaissance garb and battle other
Monday, November 5, 2012
Adventures in online dating - Introduction
Something you should know, I haven't dated in 13 years. Alas, the union of marriage once again took a trip to shitzville and I find myself entering the fray. Oddly, I met my former partner in crime online. I figured, 13 years is nothing to scoff at, right? So, I'll give the ol' interwebs another go.
I spent an inordinate amount of time creating an honest profile. Describing who I am, not who I want to be, but who I actually am in this moment. I'm not cool, not eclectic (I fucking HATE that word and anyone who describes themselves as such is a huge douche!), not fabulously fit, not outdoorsy, not athletic. Oh, and I'm not a "young" 40. I'm just the regular kind. I am kind, smart, funny, creative, energetic, a fanfuckingtastic cook, excellent at karaoke, yadda, yadda, yadda, and if truth be told...I'm a rocket in the sack. Though, I kept that little nugget to myself. I posted my two most recent photos which are just so so. But, I believe in truth in advertising. Hear this, I am in the minority on that one. Don't they realize when we meet and I'm like "Oh, I thought you had, um, hair and um, teeth." that they probably shouldn't have posted a photo from 10 years ago.
I started receiving messages pretty quickly which was flattering. But, then I read them. MEN ARE DELUSIONAL!!! First, they either have no concept of who they are in the world or are just plain liars. They seem to either have very little reading comprehension skills or they just don't give a fuck and will try to get laid at any cost. The first fella called himself "LittleManBigTruck". So, that right there tells me literally every single thing I need to know. His message says "Hey sexy lady. We answered all of the sex questions the same. I think I could show you a really good time." I pulled up his profile already cringing in anticipation. Whaa thaa faa?!?!?!?! He's pushing 60 if he's a day, has several photos sans shirt and let me tell you...this is a dude that requires a shirt at all times. His moobs are bigger than mine and mine are HUGE! His description of himself included every single thing I specifically do not want, most of which I stated in my profile...hunting, guns, camping, domestic canned beer (nope, not even the PBR those irritating hipsters drink. Hello, I drank that in college because it was cheap. It wasn't cool then and it isn't now. On a related topic, bow ties aren't cool either, hipsters. They. Are. Not. Cool.), contemporary country, children, Christianity and Disneyland. So, basically he is my walking Hiroshima. Delete.
But, LMBT is tenacious. Another message, "Hey sexy lady, I was really hoping to hear from you. I know we could be great together. I want to touch those curves. Please write back." Gah. Delete.
And, LMBT strikes once more "Hey, why aren't you responding. Did you look at my sex answers. They are exactly the same as yours. You need to write me back." While, I'm certainly charmed by LMBT's...oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Nothing charming about this short, stout, old, redneck Lothario. I did take a second look at the answers I entered to the sex questions thinking to myself...hmm, did I say something lascivious or quote lines from Deliverance? Nope. I think the most exciting question I answered was "While in the throes of passion your partner asks you to make dolphin noises, would you do it?" Well, I would. But, I qualified my answer with the following explanation. "I'm not terribly familiar with the noises made by dolphins, but I would give it a go to enhance my partners experience. However, I would explain to my partner that watching him clean the bathroom and do the laundry would enhance my experience. If he's down with that, I'll make any noise he wants." That's how it's done, ladies!
What to do, what to do? Write him back to say I'm not interested, tell him he's rifuckingdiculous, tell him I'm actually a man. I decided to be courteous and simply said:
"Dear LMBT, I did read your profile. Did you read mine? If you did, in fact, read my profile you will see that I am not interested in any of the following:
1. Men over 45 years of age
2. Guns
3. Hunting, camping, sportsman-like pursuits
4. Children
5. Religion
6. Being propositioned online for sex
Thank you for understanding that I prefer to end our communication here and am not interested in you 'touching my curves'. Best of luck to you.
One last response from LMBT. Can you guess? "Bitch. Your ugly anyway!" Yes, I preserved his use of your instead of you're just for you. Ah, fellas. You really know how to charm a lady.
Just a little sampling of my re-introduction to the wonderful world of online dating. I will surely be bringing more tidbits your way soon.
I spent an inordinate amount of time creating an honest profile. Describing who I am, not who I want to be, but who I actually am in this moment. I'm not cool, not eclectic (I fucking HATE that word and anyone who describes themselves as such is a huge douche!), not fabulously fit, not outdoorsy, not athletic. Oh, and I'm not a "young" 40. I'm just the regular kind. I am kind, smart, funny, creative, energetic, a fanfuckingtastic cook, excellent at karaoke, yadda, yadda, yadda, and if truth be told...I'm a rocket in the sack. Though, I kept that little nugget to myself. I posted my two most recent photos which are just so so. But, I believe in truth in advertising. Hear this, I am in the minority on that one. Don't they realize when we meet and I'm like "Oh, I thought you had, um, hair and um, teeth." that they probably shouldn't have posted a photo from 10 years ago.
I started receiving messages pretty quickly which was flattering. But, then I read them. MEN ARE DELUSIONAL!!! First, they either have no concept of who they are in the world or are just plain liars. They seem to either have very little reading comprehension skills or they just don't give a fuck and will try to get laid at any cost. The first fella called himself "LittleManBigTruck". So, that right there tells me literally every single thing I need to know. His message says "Hey sexy lady. We answered all of the sex questions the same. I think I could show you a really good time." I pulled up his profile already cringing in anticipation. Whaa thaa faa?!?!?!?! He's pushing 60 if he's a day, has several photos sans shirt and let me tell you...this is a dude that requires a shirt at all times. His moobs are bigger than mine and mine are HUGE! His description of himself included every single thing I specifically do not want, most of which I stated in my profile...hunting, guns, camping, domestic canned beer (nope, not even the PBR those irritating hipsters drink. Hello, I drank that in college because it was cheap. It wasn't cool then and it isn't now. On a related topic, bow ties aren't cool either, hipsters. They. Are. Not. Cool.), contemporary country, children, Christianity and Disneyland. So, basically he is my walking Hiroshima. Delete.
But, LMBT is tenacious. Another message, "Hey sexy lady, I was really hoping to hear from you. I know we could be great together. I want to touch those curves. Please write back." Gah. Delete.
And, LMBT strikes once more "Hey, why aren't you responding. Did you look at my sex answers. They are exactly the same as yours. You need to write me back." While, I'm certainly charmed by LMBT's...oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Nothing charming about this short, stout, old, redneck Lothario. I did take a second look at the answers I entered to the sex questions thinking to myself...hmm, did I say something lascivious or quote lines from Deliverance? Nope. I think the most exciting question I answered was "While in the throes of passion your partner asks you to make dolphin noises, would you do it?" Well, I would. But, I qualified my answer with the following explanation. "I'm not terribly familiar with the noises made by dolphins, but I would give it a go to enhance my partners experience. However, I would explain to my partner that watching him clean the bathroom and do the laundry would enhance my experience. If he's down with that, I'll make any noise he wants." That's how it's done, ladies!
What to do, what to do? Write him back to say I'm not interested, tell him he's rifuckingdiculous, tell him I'm actually a man. I decided to be courteous and simply said:
"Dear LMBT, I did read your profile. Did you read mine? If you did, in fact, read my profile you will see that I am not interested in any of the following:
1. Men over 45 years of age
2. Guns
3. Hunting, camping, sportsman-like pursuits
4. Children
5. Religion
6. Being propositioned online for sex
Thank you for understanding that I prefer to end our communication here and am not interested in you 'touching my curves'. Best of luck to you.
One last response from LMBT. Can you guess? "Bitch. Your ugly anyway!" Yes, I preserved his use of your instead of you're just for you. Ah, fellas. You really know how to charm a lady.
Just a little sampling of my re-introduction to the wonderful world of online dating. I will surely be bringing more tidbits your way soon.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Artsy endeavors to while away a rainy day!
I am a dabbler and have just started messing around with painting, so I was pretty happy with how it turned out. Am experimenting with acrylics and building textural bases. Must upgrade my camera to show the super cool texture created with molding paste, lots of random household bits, knives and sandpaper. Here's what I learned through this creative process:
1. Under no circumstances should you use a drinking glass to rinse your brushes unless you want a refreshing sip of paint water. Yes, I did this twice. I'm a slow learner.
2. Do NOT sand anything in the house. Sanding is a garage or outdoor activity only. After 30 minutes of aggressive sanding I glanced up to discover the entire room was covered in fine dust including the dog. No amount of vacuuming is going to remedy this. Clearly I must move.
3. My creative process is for me and me alone. There is no judgment, no goal, no standards to meet. It simply is. A refreshing break from life.
And, that's all I have to say about that.
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